Sunday, May 18, 2014

Post Grad Life Crisis

I’m 22, a college graduate, and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I’m broke and broken down.  And not to be a cliché and quote some T-Swift song that has an immense correlation with my life, but, “I’m happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time. It’s miserable and magical ohhhh yeaaaaaa.” Well if this is what “feelin’ 22” is like, I’ll gladly pass.  I know it’s not like I’m 42 having a mid-life crisis because I’m stuck in a loveless marriage and a dead end job, but still, it’s stressful. I mean what if I picked the wrong career. What if it’s not what I want to do? What if it’s not what I’m supposed to do? What if I suck and the kids don’t learn a single thing? The rest of my life is a big decision. So many people already have jobs lined up and I haven’t even finished a single job application. Basically I feel like I’ve failed already, and I haven’t even started. I don’t know why it is I can’t bring myself to finish an application, I mean I’m three fourths of the way done with most of them anyway, but something about it just doesn’t feel right. Maybe I’m wrong comparing a job to love, but I think there should be a spark. That feeling you get when you know it’s right and you’re so happy you smile from ear to ear just thinking about it. I used to think about teaching in that way. After senior block I was ready to go out and change the world one classroom at a time, but somehow student teaching changed all of that. I went out and saw the world and fell in love with one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been to in my life. I don’t know if it was the sense of adventure, the free spirits of the people, or the beauty of the land, but regardless I was amazed that I was capable of loving a place that much. Leaving South Africa left a huge hole I still feel like I need to fill. My seven weeks there was hands down the best seven of my life and I spent most of the trip feeling like I was never going to do anything in my life that would ever compare to how wonderstruck and how right everything there felt, and after graduation I’m starting to feel like I was right. So maybe I won’t apply for a big girl teaching job I just paid thousands and thousands of dollars and countless sleepless nights studying to be able to qualify for right off the bat. Maybe I’ll sleep on it until it feels right or something else that does comes along. In the meantime, as long as I’m happy and making enough money to survive, that’s all that matters to me.